Can we have more Million Pound Drop please Channel 4?

by Lisa McGarry

It saddens and pains my heart at the infrequent rate that Million Pound Drop is broadcast. Surely a television programme which involves throwing large sums of money down a rubbish shoot (THIS IS A STARK AND WITTY OBSERVATION ABOUT TRAMADOL NIGHTS) would be welcomed at a sounder rate at Channel 4 HQ. But I suppose with 45 hours per week being dedicated to the Kirsty Allsop/Gok Wan bitchbrigade, we are lucky to get what we can of MPD.

You probably know the basic premise of the show by now. A faulty droid adorned in baco-foil will ultimately fail at answering fairly simple multiple choice questions, hurling around wads of notes in a blasé manner under the icy glare of Davina’s cold eyes. And when Emma Bunton isn’t on the show, it’s pretty much the same drill. But at the weekend, it sidled back into our lives, thank Jehovah. Oh, the screaming that ensued. Only me, Davina and Stock Earthquake Noises Volume II could fully articulate the excitement of the situation.

On the show first this evening! JAMES AND LAURENCE. JAMES AND LAURENCE HAVE LIVES AND JOBS, AND THEY CLAIM. THEY LIVE TOGETHER AND HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR LITERALLY ‘AGES’ THEY ARE DEFINITELY NOT GAY. But they also have the ability of picking up thousands of pounds and placing them a few yards to the left every now and then. Thank god for that. Things seem to be going pretty well for James and Laurence, and their V-necks, so far. And! And! Davina has a belt strap on her shoulder! Well, would you look at that? Is this an uninhabited, wild fashion statement, or a metaphor for the restraint Davina has had to develop in order for her to smooth over her tarnished life? It’s pretty.

JAMES AND LAURENCE WIN SOME MONEY. They celebrate with some Notgay hugs. This is incredibly disappointing. They are ushered backstage by Don’t-give-a-shit McCall, to carry out their new, richer Notgay life. N’aaw. (Their winning question was on Madonna).

Now, this is all well and nice – but I came here for the idiots. I want idiots, in leather. (Well, I always want idiots in leather – it hardly matters on the context) I want idiots in leather who don’t know that Tom Jones is over the age of 50, idiots that propose to their partners when they get a question about monsters right. THOSE KIND. The days of Million Pound Drop Yore. You may have read about them in such respected publications as The Bible, and Heat Magazine.

My prayers are automatically answered in the shape of Amber and Alex. They are a couple from London who say things like ‘We know a lot about London’ in smug voices. Equilibrium in the universe has been restored again.


Sophie Hall is a 21 year old freeloading student from Manchester who gets angry. When eating hula hoops doesn’t facilitate this anger – she writes words down, so that we can all be mildly exasperated at the universe together. You can catch her on Twitter and share the Unreality love!