I missed the latest episode of this positively addictive show when it was originally on BBC, so I’ve caught up with it on BBC iPlayer, and I’m so glad I did, because the latest offering was every bit as entertaining as they’ve all been.
Last week, Nicky got the boot – thankfully – so this week, just four remained in the House of Large Lazy Gits. They are, Dogan, Dina, Sean and Danielle. And a bombshell was dropped on them within minutes of the show opening; this week, they were only given the equivalent of dole money to live on.
The news was greeted with mostly stunned silence as the four began to realise just how little they had to live on, in fact, it equated to about £7 a day. Oh dear. So, they set off looking for job, somewhat half-heartedly, as of course we’ve come to expect from them. If they’d put in any actual effort, I think we’d have all dropped down dead.
Danielle did her usual I’m A Girl, I Can’t Do Anything routine but, shockingly, was offered a job in a café/takeaway, which clearly mortified her. Sean came over all entrepreneurial and went around door to door as a car valeter and general cleaner while Dogan went from pub to pub asking for work.
He was in fact offered work twice, one job as a glass collector and one job behind the bar for just one night, but declined both. Dina meanwhile found it too scary and weird to ask for jobs… as you do.
But the big news from this week’s show is that Danielle was, how to put it… egg bound. She hadn’t been for a number two since the show’s first week, meaning that she’d not dropped the kids off at the pool for 17 days! This, relatively understandably, caused her to burst into tears while telling the camera how, because she had filled herself full of junk food – on account of being useless in the kitchen, and pretty much everywhere else – nothing was budging in her system.
In order to shift this blockage – the poo, not Danielle – Dogan went to the chemist for laxatives, even though he thought what she needed was antibiotics. Bless. So, armed with bowel greasing medication, he returned triumphant and gave the pills to a still teary Danielle.
But there was another crisis, no loo roll. So it was now the turn of Sean and Dina to save the day and they hot footed it down to the supermarket looking for soft loo roll. And Danielle needed it because after an eye watering 28 minutes in the bathroom, she emerged what one assumes was 10lbs lighter, to the cheers of an anxiously pacing Dina. The birth had gone well, mum and very long baby were all fine with the baby making its way to the Thames. Phew.
So with what might have been the worst case of a Ring of Fire ever, Danielle, along with the other three remaining housemates, were given the task of teaching a bunch of kids in a local primary school.
They had to prepare a lesson plan about an historical figure of their choice. None of them seemed to understand what that meant, so there was little hope that they were going to impart knowledge to children. And in fact, we heard that Danielle had refused to go to school, and her mum had ended up in court over it and had to pay a fine. So the mystery of Danielle’s total lack of knowledge about anything is at last resolved. I suspect if you put your ear to hers, all you would hear is the sea, but at least now we know why.
To be honest, the teaching task wasn’t nearly as entertaining to watch as the great Danielle and the Unmovable Bowel scenes, however, teach they did – sort of – and they did in fact make a relatively decent amount of effort over it, though as ever, Danielle displayed a total lack of vocational aptitude. As she spoke to the class, she said “Oh my god” about a hundred times and kept asking their permission to tell them things…
You could see the children were losing the will to live as she droned on in that monotonous and hesitant voice she has about Princess Diana. While she twiddled with her extensions and giggled, the kids looked on alternately bemused and glazed as she described the accident which killed Princess Diana and, as Danielle pronounced it, “Doddy Faryed”
However, she was about to lose any tiny scrap of credibility when the real school teacher pointed out that the murder theory was just that, a theory, not a fact, and that Doddy was not his name. Much tense fact finding ensued with Danielle at a complete loss and looking to the kids for answers. Yes, she’s just that useless.
Sean meanwhile did exceptionally well, leaving Dogan to stand quietly by, watching. But it turned out that Dogan hadn’t done enough to keep the lesson going anyway, so he had to go off and find out something else about Christopher Columbus in order to stretch the lesson out.
Anyway, after the task was over, it was once again parent time, and they were having a hard time choosing who should go. And based on the ‘rules’, it’s no surprise. The rule over who stays and who goes seems to shift goal posts every week, but, it transpired that this week, Sean was to go home. This was because he’d apparently shown the least progress in the past four weeks…
I think that’s wrong… wrong, diddly, wrong wrong in fact. It should have been Danielle if that was the criteria. She hasn’t improved at all, in any way. She’s still useless, she’s still lazy, she’s still self-obsessed and let’s face it, a bit thick. Sean did very, very well in this week’s task, so yet again, I’d have to argue at the veracity of the rules when choosing who to eliminate. They may as well just put names in a hat and draw them at random!
Anyway, next week, the last three will learn who’s going to win and therefore go on the round the world trip… I can’t wait!