Channel 5 do love their quick turnarounds; two days after former woman Luke Anderson won Big Brother it’s already time to dust the house a bit for the celebrity version. Though the surprise of who goes in is often spoilt it’s still a fairly entertaining prospect to see these has-beens and never-weres interact with each other.
Talking of being past your sell-by date, Brian Dowling is for some reason still hosting this show, despite essentially shouting his way through the introductions and not waiting for answers to the questions he asks I honestly think Dowling has compromising pictures of Richard Desmond that’s the only reason I could think of to continue to employ someone to do a job that they’re no suitable for.
Somebody who was a suitable choice to be the first housemate was Julie Goodyear, also known as Bet Lynch from Coronation Street, who apparently was in 2010 episodes of the show although had to give up because of the amount of extra episodes they film a day. Goodyear comes out of the giant eye wearing cat ears, a sparkly jacket and a top that says ‘get it, got it, good’, this mismatch of clothing items looks like she’s been on a trolley dash at Help the Aged, but she’s not the only one. Julie was the first one in the house and therefore got to act like a mental patient who’d accidentally escaped from the asylum and was excited by new things like doors and chairs.
Julie wasn’t going to be alone for long though as next in was Cheryl ‘Hev from Eastenders’ Fergison in another sparkly top that her husband had apparently bought her. I’m guessing he lost the receipt. I think the majority of us were expecting some sort of secret task, and we got it with the good old earpiece trick as Bet and Hev were instructed to participate in a number of soap opera like tasks in order for the house to win a big surprise. This instruction in itself was a big ask for the two ladies to comprehend as they struggled to put in their ear-pieces, with Big Brother almost giving up on the task altogether, however eventually, they understood that any time their respective TV theme tune played they had to spring into action.
As we all know, Dog the Bounty Hunter was supposed to appear but he can’t get a UK Visa because he murdered somebody in the 1970s so our big American reality TV star is… The Situation. Outside of people who have got a subscription to MTV, The Situation isn’t a big name over here, however in the States, he’s the star of the popular Jersey Shore on which the terrible Geordie Shore was based.
The Situation, who looks like he time-travelled from 1991, introduced himself to the two ladies both of whom refused to call him by his nickname so instead he used his given name of Michael, which Julie introduced him to everybody as. Michael The Situation, or whatever you want to call him, looked so disinterested in the whole proces,s which was briefly livened up by Cheryl, on the request of Big Brother, telling him that Julie slept with her ex-partner using lines like – ‘have you seen the age of it’ and ‘you like the bedroom don’t you Julie.’
The only surprise for me was that Julian Clary took part in the show however his opening package, in which he claimed he’d have sex with the Jacuzzi, already hinted to me that he’d be plenty of fun, even winding up the dreadful Dowling by calling him Davina.
The humour continued inside the house when Michael told Julian that he worked in American TV the comic retorted – ‘I’ll use small words then’. After this, we started to get the filler with ‘Page 3 Model’ Rhian Sugden being revealed as the next housemate those who read the tabloids know she apparently sex-texted Vernon Kay about two years ago but in her opening video package she denies this which is basically her saying – ‘you know that thing I’m kind of famous for, I didn’t do it.’ Rhian was then taken under Julie’s wing who was instructed through her earpiece to warn the model off of The Situation and she did an excellent job here even if every time she heard the Corrie theme tune she jumped up like she was getting an electric shock.
Next up was MC Harvey off of the So Solid Crew who I’m sure have a work release programme going with Big Brother after Romeo appeared in the January series, maybe we can look forward to Scooby Doo next year. Harvey was once a successful presenter and musician, but since cheating on Javine and Alesha Dixon has been ‘black-listed’ in the entertainment business hence doing Big Brother.
Hilariously, Harvey starts out in his VT by saying he hates people that aren’t loyal; that’s a pot-kettle-black moment if ever I heard one. It seemed that somebody wanted to get revenge on Harvey by having Hev use him as a fake shoulder to cry on as she continued to spread the lie about her and Julie being love rivals.
The most beautiful woman in the world Samantha Brick was up next this is a woman who is essentially famous for being a hate figure after she was vilified for writing an article in which she claimed that other women hated her for being so attractive. Not reading The Daily Mail, I wasn’t really aware of Brick, apart from the one story she wrote obviously, but in her opening VT she came across as one of those horrible femme fatale Apprentice candidates who doesn’t quite make it through to the final.
The parade of nobodies continued with Prince Lorenzo Borghese who was the playboy prince we’ve been hearing about, however he’s not the one who Pippa Middleton fancies but instead was the star of the US version of The Bachelor, so essentially he’s the American equivalent of that Made in Chelsea tosser. The Prince seemed like an OK kind of guy, but I couldn’t help but notice that he looked a lot like Hollyoaks actor Nick Pickard.
Two stars of obscure documentaries were next starting with Danica Thrall who was part of the Channel 4 show Sex, Lies and Rinsing Guys something I never saw but apparently, Ms Thrall spends her time modelling lingerie then exchanging her pictures for gifts purchased online, so essentially she’s the face of the Amazon Wishlist.
A much more interesting character is Ashley McKenzie who recently competed for Team GB in Judo, he got beaten in the first round, but was also the subject of BBC3’s Bad Boy Olympian documentary. Ashley came across in that programme as a nice guy albeit it one who suffers from ADHD and sometime struggles to keep his temper under control however I’m sure there are enough mother figures in that house to keep him in check.
Speaking of which, Coleen Nolan was housemate eleven who, unlike former co-star Denise Welch, won’t be getting her boobs out but will probably be telling more embarrassing stories about the sex lives of her teenage sons. Jasmine Lennard apparently is a ‘professional bad girl’ though I’ve never heard of her she’s a model and one of Simon Cowell’s endless parade of exes who tells us that most girls wanted to be Barbie but she wanted to F**k her so essentially she’s come in as the villain of the piece.
Our final housemate was the suave and sophisticated Martin Kemp, who’s a long time Big Brother fan but also seems to be doing the reality show circuit after appearing in the second series of Arctic adventure show 71 Degrees North but leaving early on due to injuries. Kemp’s role is obviously going to be the daddy of the house and he says he’ll be keeping a close eye on people but more importantly he’s in it to win it and I feel that he’s got a good chance. That though was not the end as Julie and Cheryl’s task was to end in an almighty row that both women seemed to enjoy more than they should’ve done, with the former throwing a drink on the latter to end the faux squabble. The aftermath was totally hilarious as everybody was immediately shocked, apart from Julian Clary who knew exactly what was going on, and almost seemed to take sides until later the secret task was explained to everyone.
So that was this year’s Celebrity Big Brother line-up which for me at the moment has three stars in Julie, Cheryl and Julian all of whom will probably be in the final barring some sort of massive character turn. Julie and Cheryl were natural comic partners and their final scrap was amazing as they both got into it with full gusto I’d be surprised if somebody didn’t offer the duo some sort of comedy travelogue show when they exit the house.
Julian is just good fun and his innuendo will probably go over a lot of heads. Luckily, he’s smart as well as funny and seems to be one of those people who sits back and surveys the situation. Of the others the two Americans seem pretty dull, the model trio are in their purely as eye candy, Samantha Brick could throw a spanner in the works, Colleen and Martin are the mum and dad of the group with Ashley and Harvey possibly serving up the bromance of the series. It’s early days yet but I’ve got the feeling this could be the most entertaining of the three Celebrity Big Brothers that Channel 5 have given us thus far and I’ll certainly be checking out a couple more episodes to see more of the fun and games ensue.
What do you think to this year’s line-up? Are there any surprises? Leave Your Comments Below.