Coronation Street: What Happened Last Week?

by Lisa McGarry

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This week the update comes to you covered in snow. So it’ll make a crunching noise while you’re reading it and bits of it might start to fall off your roof. It might also start to melt but will never, under any circumstances become grey and slush. And so, without any further ado, here we go with this week’s Coronation Street update.

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It’s been Tony Gordon week on Corrie this week; he’s been giving everyone the evil eye. He wheels in Jed Stone from his flat in Wigan to do a turn in the Rovers which proves to all who see him that Jed’s not as dead as Maria said he was. Emily’s shocked to see Jed but over the moon and glad to reunite chap with cat and cap. Sunny Jim the cat looked pleased to see Jed but the cap’s comments went unrecorded. Anyway, all this Jed business gets Carla suspicious and she wings it to Wigan to treat Jed to a liquid lunch. Jed’s scared to tell Carla that Tony tried to kill him but when she spots the marks on his neck, she realise her worst fears about Tony are true after all. Run, Carla, run. Instead, she tackles Tony and her mind works overtime, especially when she hears from Emily that Jed’s had a heart attack after an altercation and she spots Tony’s henchman back on the Street.

So Jed’s not dead and Ted’s turned up too. Yes, Gail’s dad Ted Page is back on the cobbles this week, providing a shoulder for Ken to unload his guilty pleasures about Martha and her loveboat. “Lovely mugs,” says Ken to Martha when he takes a guilt trip onboard SS Utopia with Martha. It was an unusual chat up line, but it seemed to work nonetheless. The couple get cosy and he helps her read through her part as Blanche (not that Blanche) in am am-dram production of A Streetcar Named Desire. But Ken’s phone rings to remind him that he needs to pick up Simon from school. He cajoles Leanne into doing his duty for him as he stays on the canal for another drink with Martha, sipping from her lovely mugs.

In the Kabin, Norris is fair excited when Mary wins a motorhome in a prize competition. The pair of them are joint winners and over a swift half in the Rovers, draw up a timetable for renting it out with peak season and holidays coloured in on both their diaries.

There’s a fight on the cobbles, yawn, when the Windass clan (aka Shameless-lite) hit out at the Platts. I don’t like the Windasses. Not ‘cos they’re common, violent thugs, just because they’re not good. Anyway, David fights with Gary over Tina and David throws the first punch but ends up in t’hospital. Where’s nurse Platt when you need him? Tina lies to the cops and says Gary threw the first punch.

It’s darts night in the Rovers as the feckless fellas take on The Dread Arrows, a team which feature darts champ Phil ‘the Power’ Taylor on their team, and of course that team win. Eddie Windass takes to the oche and expectations are high but his dart hits the pub light, bounces off and spears Ena Sharples. I did a sharp intake of breath at this point. Eddie runs out of the pub with the Dread Arrows in full flight behind him, having recognised him as a fly-by-night from previous darts games who owes them a whole load of cash.

Best line of the week went to Rosie Webster when she went into Roy’s Rolls and complained to Ken behind the counter about the classical music playing in the café. “It’s Elgar!” says Ken, to which Rosie replied: “What does the L stand for? Loser?” Brilliant stuff from writer Jayne Hollinson. There was more for Rosie to pout about this week when attention turns to sister Sophie Webster. She’s started dating Ben from school. Not only is he tall, dark and handsome, he’s polite, cheerful and gets up at 5am to do swimming training too. And he’s religious which doesn’t need to be a bad thing but somehow mostly is when it turns up on the Street.

At Weatherfield Hospital, Janice takes a fag break from her community service in the canteen and sits, chats and smokes with Mike, one of the patients. After they’ve puffed and chuffed, Mike stands to head back indoors but has a heart attack and dies. (I can just picture this actor finding out he had a part on Coronation Street. He reads page one of his script and his eyes fill with glee: A role on the Street! At last! And then he reads page two: Oh, bugger.) Janice is beside herself with grief and when his widow sends her a bouquet of flowers, Janice gets to thinking about what she’s doing wi’ her life and reckons she’d be better saving lives rather than stitching pants. Good on yer, girl. But when she mentions to Leanne that she’s thinking of going into nursing, well, would you let Janice Battersby give you a bed-bath? “No, nurse Battersby. I said prick his boil!” Anyway, she asks her old mucker Ken to give her some tuition so she can get a handful of GCSE’s. Ken’s not keen, you can tell, but she reminds him how much time Leanne’s putting in looking after his grandson and another guilt trip flickers behind Barlow’s brain.

And that’s just about that for this week.

This update was written by Glenda Young.