Forgive me if I don’t immediately join the circle-jerk to celebrate the return of the Sontarans. Before we get into that, I’d like to briefly note that Donna Noble is a far superior character to Martha Jones, even after Martha has been overhauled and assigned to work with UNIT, The Doctor’s former employer.

We were all worried about Catherine Tate dropping her comedy act into Doctor Who and Donna blasting out “I ain’t even bovvered” when she doesn’t automatically get her own sonic screwdriver. How wrong we were. When the Tate-isms get dropped in, like when Donna introduces herself with a “Donna, by the way. Donna Noble, since you didn’t ask.” it’s absolutely brilliant. Then she insists on getting a salute as well. And the gormless UNIT flunky complies.

Summing up to make a point

So, to boil it all down, an alien race is planning to use the Earth for nefarious purposes. They’re deploying a technology that humans will lap up, and which the aliens will eventually use against the human race. They’ve also enlisted a human to front the campaign, so no-one’s aware that the aliens are the puppet masters.

Oh goody – just like every other large-scale Doctor Who episode.

I’ve complained about samey-samey Doctor Who episodes in the past. It seems like the writers believe they can get away with regurgitating storylines, just by changing the details. Swap a Dalek for a Cyberman or now a Sontaran. Now swap a mind-controlling mobile earpiece for a car controlling SatNav system or some other household device. See a pattern? Wondering why I’m not tripping over myself to declare the genius of the storyline?

But those Sontarans, they were good…

Oh, so good. The hammiest of old school Doctor Who baddies, the Sontarans were lovingly recreated in every detail. Except they were given better uniforms and the detail in the faces is obviously far superior. General Staal’s over the top accent was brilliantly militaristic and pompous (”You dishonour me, sir. I shall look into my enemy’s eyes.”).

Strange, potato-headed aliens, about as tall as Tom Cruise, the Sontarans have little in the way of sense of humour, so the quick witted Doctor runs rings around them. However, they’re quite an authentic throwback to the earlier days of Doctor Who, so it’s nice to see them. A better story would have been appreciated, though.

Break the glass, break the glass…

ATMOS, the deadly SatNav/emission filter system turns every other car on the planet (they’ve got roughly a 50% worldwide market share, business fans) into a Sontaran-controlled weapon.

And when activated on a global scale, the ATMOS devices start pumping out poisonous gases and locking their occupants inside. This happens to Donna’s grandfather (proving Martha’s earlier warning that her loved ones will ‘get burned’ by association with The Doctor). So the whole crew run around the car trying to sonic screwdriver the door open. And the entire nation is screaming “Break the glass, break the bloody glass.” But no, picking up a breeze block and throwing it through a window is obviously not the Gallifrey way. I’d have put a Doctor Who-sized plot hole in the window if it’d been me.

And proof the the Sontaran’s are pure evil…

What’s the nastiest thing an alien species could do to us? That’s right, they cloned Martha Jones. The scum! Fortunately, Clone Jones (as I’ve come to affectionately think of her) is a slightly more interesting character than the real Martha.

Don’t get me wrong, but I seriously believe Martha to be the dullest assistant ever, and a character beyond redemption. Whenever she returns to the fold – like when she showed up in Torchwood – I’m glad for a moment, pleased to see her character again. But this is always replaced with a sense of boredom within minutes. Forget ATMOS, an army of Clone Joneses could be the deadliest weapon the Sontaran’s wield.