Last Night’s TV – When a Mother’s Love Is Not Enough
When I first read the ‘blurb’ for this show, I thought ‘how can someone as financially privileged as Rosa Monkton pretend she understands the plight of someone who isn’t uber-rich?’
But, I had to take back that somewhat shallow thought when I watched this documentary. Money doesn’t take away heartbreak, and for Rosa, just as for the many other parents we saw in this film, little does.
All the parents featured in this film had disabled children, and from the get go, it was clear that Rosa’s empathy extends to far more than lip service.
However, what Rosa’s money can do is buy her physical help with her disabled child, but for those parents who aren’t wealthy, and they were in the majority in this film, that was what they needed most.
Rosa’s daughter Domenica has Down’s Syndrome and throughout the programme, Rosa spoke openly and with a touching honesty about the trials and tribulations of being the parent of a disabled child. And how devastating to your entire existence it can be.
We heard so many desperately sad stories last night, it’s hard to choose which was the most tragic, but one thing that all those who appeared had in common was that they are part of a group who are utterly marginalised by society.
While many of us are vociferous in our statements of support for disabled people, how many of us volunteer as respite carers? How many of us man helplines that might offer something as life-savingly simple as a sympathetic ear? And perhaps more importantly, how many of us would be willing to have an increase in our taxes or NI contributions to facilitate more help for these terribly vulnerable families?
And ultimately, that’s what this film came down to; highlighting a crippling lack of state funded help and the bureaucratic nightmare that it is to get any at all. It was horrifying to hear one mother tell how she’d had to provide “samples” to prove her child needs more than three nappies per day.
That was just one of many tales of bureaucracy gone mad and the legion of hoops that people must jump through to get any state help at all. And on hearing some of the many factors that go into making up the daily lives of parents and their disabled children, it became a good deal easier to understand how some parents can be driven to murder and suicide.
Monkton summed up that ‘tipping point’ by saying, “There are times when all the love you have is simply not enough.”
And though Rosa can make provision for the care of her daughter for the rest of her life, that hasn’t stopped her understanding the plight of, and campaigning tirelessly for, those who can’t do likewise. But the majority of this film was given over not to Rosa’s story but rather to those thousands who, day in day out, struggle to cope with too little money, too little time, too little energy and gaping holes in the state’s safety net.
It was a humbling experience to watch this documentary, and inevitably, it invoked a thanking-my-lucky-stars moment as I looked around my living room and saw my able bodied children.
Platitudes and words of admiration though are of little use to the people featured in this programme, nor the millions like them who weren’t. So the next time I hear about a hike in tax rates, I’ll try very hard to remember this film, and also hope that the extra revenue will go towards support for these unimaginably brave and stoic people who simply can’t be brave and stoic all the time.
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i am so glad this documentry touched you in that way as a mum to a disabled child i live that life of fighting day in and day out and caring for my son with little or no help x
I was touched by this program. My sister, aged 40, is mentally disabled, we have never had a meaningful diagnosis. Like the girl in your picture, she cried and wailed incessantly and we never knew why. This got better over the years. Our family was completely devastated, we had a miserable time. My mother is in her seventies now; my handicapped sister was accepted into residential care a few weeks ago, and although its a relief, the feelings of guilt are overwhelming.
We dont need additional money into public services, that could easily be achieved through better distribution of funds. Dont forget the family allowances we send to polish children in Poland or other EU countries; personal trainers for the overweight; street football liaison officers, non-jobs rife throughout the public sector. Not to mention the IRAQ war, that would have paid for quite a bit of care. Dont make me laugh – its the distribution of funds which is wrong, not shortage. Incidentally dont slag off Rosa Monkton – that situation is devastating for anyone, not just those on sink estates.
I watched the programme last night. What I want to know is who is safeguarding these vulnerable parents, that are left on the edge of despair by the despicable lack of funding? Why should parents have to fight every step of the way for the basics for their children? Do these families not have enough to do without jumping through hoops for social services and health services?
I thank Rosa and the BBC production team. More public awareness is needed of the lack of practical help for the disabled and their families. There is not enough funding spent on respite care and most families face a long battle with bureaucrats to receive the help they are entitled to. Education,social services and health authorities all fall short of adequately meeting the needs of the most vulnerable in our society. Parents and carers are a voice for their disabled child and need to be persistent in asking for help. God help them when their child reaches adulthood and they are older and more emotionally and physically exhausted and their child is stronger. I speak as a parent of a disabled teenager.
After watching Rosa’s programme on BBC i-player a couple of nights ago I can easily identify with many of the problems that I have encountered as a mother of a young person with a severe disability. I have fought tirelessly for the needs, hopes and aspirations of my daughter and thanks to my insight and loopholes in various laws and statutes my daughter has survived the transitional process from childrens to adult services. I may add that if it as for the backing and support of my parents at times it would have been all too easy to give in. I was offered little support until crisis pitch was reached when my daughters health began to fail and she underwent 11 operations within the space of about 18 months, some of them life saving.
After this point in time I was able to return to work as I was a single parent which also set a good example for my three older boys.
My daughter was lucky enough to be offered and residential placement at Henshaws College in Harrogate and if it had not been for her 3 years at college she would not now be living independantly in her own flat.
My daughter is now her own individual person and is enjoying the life that every young person wishes to lead.
So, my advice is it can be a rocky road at times but with perserverence, determination, correct information and a LOUD voice transition can be achieved.