Last Night’s TV – Grow Your Own Drugs For Christmas

by Lynn Connolly


Sadly, this was not a how-to programme designed to introduce us to the joys of DIY weed or valium or anything else that would really be needed over Christmas. Rather, it was all about natural remedies for the ailments that you may well suffer from over the festive period. And no, I don’t mean a menstrual cramps in the last week of December.

Presented by the exuberant and chipper James Wong – who I have to add is rather lovely – we heard how to, “Make your Christmas cheaper, healthier and more original than ever”.

Ooh, snageroo there James; I don’t want it to be healthy, I want to indulge so much I get gout, and happiness for me comes in the form of a row of Bailey’s bottles, and cheaper… well, let’s face it, a packet of generic Paracetamol costs about 16p so can anything you come up with really be cheaper than that?

And I’m afraid James’s constant disclaimers in the form of warnings about how his home-made gubbins may in fact bring you out in boils or kill you or something equally unfestive rather negated the value of what we were learning. But there, he’s got to cover his – rather pert – legal ass somehow I guess.

So, after many verbal waivers, we learned how to make a cream to tackle cellulite out of ivy, some potentially hallucinogenic truffles and massage oil that may or may not relax you. Failing that, you could have a saffron based eggnog that’s supposed to reduce anxiety but tastes like gack.

And if all of those things fail to impress, and or work, you could try a mince pie that works on cystitis. Joy to the world.

Or if you have a really bad hangover, you could try James’s “effervescent rose hip sherbet”, but if you’re too hungover to go foraging around hedges – even the one you woke up in – you could always just drink a really lot of water and go around complaining all day. That’s my cure anyway.

So thanks James, but in the main, no thanks. I’ll stick to the traditional methods of curing my ails, that is, not ancient cures but the rather less ancient pharmaceuticals that Tesco have nicely lined up near the checkout. But you do have a nice behind James…

Lynn is an editor and writer here at Unreality TV and is trained psychotherapist and the author of two books. She's addicted to soaps, period drama and reality TV shows such as X Factor, I'm A Celeb and Big Brother.