Last Night’s TV – Joan Does Glamour

by Lynn Connolly

joan collins

Has someone in the commissioning unit at ITV gone mental? Why, oh why, was this one-off show ever given the green light?!

Had it been headed up by someone like Cheryl Cole – who’s all eau naturelle and let’s face it, young – fair enough, I could’ve understood and accepted its premise, but Joan Collins??

Although Ms Collins has frequently denied that she’s had any form of cosmetic surgery, I personally wouldn’t be at all surprised to find that her bikini line is now somewhere in the region of her chin…

I like the lady herself, don’t get me wrong, but the fact of the matter is, while she is undoubtedly glamorous, it’s not exactly all her own work is it? I imagine that – unlike the women of the Littlefair family who Joan was ‘helping’ – that she has an entire entourage of people to do her primping, preening and coiffure for her. And I would imagine it takes a considerable number of hours per day.

I guess that perhaps ITV and maybe Joan herself were hoping that the show would be such a hit, that the viewing public would clamour for more and Joan would become Britain’s new queen of bitchy fashion advice. However, I suspect that Gok Wan and Trinny and Susannah can rest easy in their beds judging by last night’s offering.

The thing is, Joan isn’t really in touch with what it’s like being the little people, the proletariat if you like, of the UK today. We’re in the middle of a recession, it’s nearly winter and most women don’t feel the need to dress for a black tie dinner when doing their weekly shop. But Joanie thinks we should.

Some of her opening words were, “People have become sloppy and lazy, in their grooming and in themselves. They’re more interested in being on the internet, in texting, emailing and watching TV.”

Erm, duh! That’s because the majority of us don’t have someone to do all that tedious stuff for us, nor do we have squillions of pounds in the bank, nor do we get invited to red carpet events in LA or need a vault for our jewellery. In fact, the sum total of my jewellery resides in an old chocolate box.

However, I’m digressing from the show so I’ll now get back to it, having got those moans out of my system…

So, the Littlefair family consisted of nearly 16 years old Holli, her mum Mary and her nan Eileen. Bog standard – though very nice – folks who wanted to look great for Holli’s 16th birthday party; enter Joan who joined the family on a wander round Sainsbury’s.

And to be fair, Joan did come out with some brilliantly bitchy comments, to wit, “I don’t mean to be rude, but fleece should be on a sheep” and on the subject of a moisturising regimen, and when assured the lady does in fact moisturise, Joan remarked, “Really? Well you need to do it a bit more.”

Splendid.

A walk around Primark was similarly amusing with Joan approaching the stock as though she’d never seen the like before – and she probably hasn’t – and Joan’s arrival in Plymouth was hailed by little fanfare but she did get some funny looks.

In the end, the Littlefair ladies did look great for Holli’s party, but did they really need Joan Collins to insult them prior to it? Couldn’t they just have booked themselves in for a facial, a mani and pedi and a make-up session at their local beauty parlour. Are they called parlours these days?

Anywho, yes there were some funny moments, and yes Joan is glamorous in as much as she looks good for her age, but I think this show would’ve worked better if it’d had someone more ‘now’ and, sorry Joan, but younger and less pampered to tackle the makeovers.

What did you think of the show?

Lynn is an editor and writer here at Unreality TV and is trained psychotherapist and the author of two books. She's addicted to soaps, period drama and reality TV shows such as X Factor, I'm A Celeb and Big Brother.