Oh good. Amanda Holden’s on another programme. And yes, that was sarcasm. She’s like shi* in a field at the moment, and most of what she’s in is likewise shi*. To wit, Big Top.
However, for this latest TV Holden blitzkrieg, we watched her dabbling in a little midwifery. Why? I haven’t got a Scooby. Just because somebody, somewhere, possibly someone locked in an office at ITV and desperately clutching at potential televisual winning formulas thought, “Let’s send a celebrity in to watch someone give birth. People will cry, and that’s good, right?”
Well yes, forcing viewers to blub – and shamefully, I did – is one way of ensuring ratings. Sentimentality and new life will do that to a person, but other than that, was there really any point in having any celebrity, let alone Amanda Holden, playing at midwives? And titling it ‘Out of My Depth’? So the show’s makers are expecting failure then?
We heard how for five weeks, Holden had put her “showbiz career” on hold to follow midwives around and learn what they do. Sort of. I mean, how could someone possibly learn enough to do the job properly in five weeks?!
The simple answer is, they can’t, as was aptly demonstrated when the brave/bonkers mum Kelly agreed to let Amanda be her midwife. It all went the shape of the pear and a real pro had to be brought in. In a horribly frightening few moments, we saw that Kelly’s new little boy wasn’t breathing, however, he was resuscitated and all was well.
Luckily for Kelly, in addition to her newborn turning out to be fine, she was high as a kite so Amanda telling her to push, “as if you’re having a big poo” went right over her head.
Amanda’s ‘training’ was largely overseen by a formidable lady called Pippa who’s one of the country’s most experienced midwives, and she wasn’t about to take any messing about. She told Amanda, “Because of your background, acting and presenting, you can sometimes be a little bit overpowering with communication. You just have to remember that the woman’s the focus.”
Nicely put, and in other words, “Stop yacking on about you. You aren’t passing a human through your girl parts.”
Overall, I suppose this wasn’t the worst thing ever on TV – Big Top’s still on – but it wasn’t especially exciting. Well, the birth was and it was sweet and scary at the same time, but the addition of Holden into the whole shebang was largely irrelevant.