Last Night’s TV – Where Did It All Go Right? Simon Cowell

simon cowell where did it all go right

I was eagerly anticipating this show on Five last night; I love Simon Cowell and have had a crush/major attraction on/to him for years, yes, even through the 80s when his trademark V necks and high waisted pants were in fact fashionable, but this was one of THE dullest presentations of a TV biography that I’ve ever, ever seen.

It had the makings of a fascinating show about this giant of the popworld, what with contributions from his mum Julie, his brother Nicholas, old teachers, his well-known acts and so on, but all without exception contributed to an exceptionally tedious show…

The biggest revelations about his childhood were that he smoked and drank – big wow, who didn’t – as well as how he smashed the headlights on his dad’s car then blamed his mum…

From there on, we heard little else but a relentless stream of people praising Simon and basically verbally kissing his ring…

There was Piers Morgan, Neil Fox, Max Clifford, singer Sonia – who was so gushing about him it was nauseating – amongst many others who all said the same thing in one way or another; Simon’s great and we love him. However, in case you missed it – and if you did, well done – the show boiled down to this…

It began with tales from Simon’s childhood as I mentioned which was from a privileged wealthy background and his private-school education from which he was ultimately expelled and described as having been “a miserable little devil”.

We heard how his first job was as “the lowest form of life” at the studios in Elstree being a runner. He didn’t last long there and became a post room boy at EMI courtesy of his dad who was a director there. He didn’t last long there either and then moved on to become a tea boy at a property development company, a job he loathed according to his mum. She then took a fateful phone call from a record label boss inviting Simon to an interview and thus began the rise, fall and rise again of the now multi-millionaire Simon Cowell.

Throughout the documentary, someone called Fiona Allen – I’ve never heard of her before but her voice sounded familiar – narrated the entire thing in a ‘jokey’ format which only added to the overall tediousness. Her constant stream of puns and unending mickey-taking attitude was annoying and unnecessary and she added greatly to the boredom factor of this documentary.

Ultimately, although the show documented and revisited Simon’s life and rise to fame and fortune, I would rather have watched wood warp and it shouldn’t have been that way. He’s a fascinating bloke who’s had a fascinating life but the contributors to this show may as well have been talking about WI tea meetings or describing the rules of cricket… it was that dull.

I truly don’t know how the show’s makers managed it; I mean this is a man who has pioneered much that we now know of British music; he’s sold around 150 million records, his artists have had 100 number ones, he went from being a nobody to a big shot, then he went bust and subsequently became the biggest ‘somebody’ in the music business, so to make this documentary as tedious as it was really was quite a feat of engineering, tellywise.

And although it’s available to watch again on Demand Five, I really wouldn’t bother; it’s nearly an hour of your life that you’ll never get back. Possibly THE only interesting thing to come out of this show was hearing that Simon loves the game Guitar Hero which conjured up some fantastic images of him sitting in his bedroom hitting red, yellow, blue, orange and green while flicking the ‘strings’… now that’s something I’d pay good money to watch!

Lynn is an editor and writer here at Unreality TV and is trained psychotherapist and the author of two books. She's addicted to soaps, period drama and reality TV shows such as X Factor, I'm A Celeb and Big Brother.