Well folks, there’s a lot to rant about in TV land at the moment but my focus today is on the soaps and the increasingly ludicrous storylines and characters.

Let’s start with Emmerdale and something that’s been bugging me for ages is the Bob and Viv fraud storyline. It could’ve worked; it could’ve been a really gripping storyline, but it turned out to be totally ridiculous. For a start, when Viv finally got the evidence she needed to out Freddie as the villain of the piece, she goes to a remote location to collect it from her PI, and goes alone – other than the twins – and doesn’t first ensure that he investigator has a copy. How unlikely is all that? And what self-respecting PI wouldn’t automatically keep a copy anway?

Perhaps it’s just me but soaps only work for me because they mirror real life – albeit in a much magnified and dramatic way – but seriously, who would be that dumb? And why do the wardrobe people insist on always putting Viv, a mother of young twins who runs a shop and a café, in high heels, short skirts and silly jackets that must’ve been stolen from the set of Working Girl?

Anyone with that much work on their plate would wear the most comfortable clothes they could get away with, but no, Viv looks like at any moment the eighties might call and ask for all their outfits and hairdos back.

Speaking of the wardrobe people, why oh why do they keep dressing Gennie as a clown? Being the only character whose clothes can be seen from space – and which would have Trinny and Susannah in a psychiatric ward – has to be a bit harsh for the actress who plays her, Sian Reese-Williams. Her lines and general stupidity aren’t doing the poor girl any favours either.

The thing is, if it were all that silly, fair enough, we’d know it was a spoof/parody type show but they run these stupid storylines alongside ones that do in fact have real value and relevance, such as the domestic abuse storyline between Andy and Jo. In fact, that plot is THE only one in the show at the moment that smacks of real life at all. Again, other stupid ongoing storylines include the factory being mostly staffed by fossils and duplicitous Eric sidekicks while the ever-expanding Dingle clan are still making incest all the rage with their keep it in the family, date-a-cousin plots. Then to top it all, we’ve got the always moronic Nicola scoring a hit with publishers as easily as most people hire a car.

Final moan about Emmerdale – I promise – is the DeSousa/King story. Was it ever at all likely that a man with the apparent business acumen that Donald has would hire Carl after knowing him all of ten minutes to head up his empire? Is it then further likely that Donald would give half a million quid to him when he’s just pooped on this benefactor’s head from a great height by selling out company secrets and valuable clients to his rivals and brothers, the Kings? Yeah, I don’t think so… The main reason I still watch is for the characters of Val, Eli, Marlon and Paddy who all get some very funny lines and deliver them to perfection.

Now onto Corrie and this too has many rant-worthy storylines and characters at present. The Harry-Liz-Clarissa love triangle just gets sillier and why is Harry running a pokey little bookie’s in Weatherfield if he’s so wealthy that he can keep this super-extravagant wife, a big house, a flat and pay Lloyd handfuls of moola to do his bidding? Daft. Then there’s the newish introduction of Nina, man eater and general drama queen who is playing her part as if it’s a panto role. The word ‘overacting’ doesn’t seem to quite do justice this character’s persona and I go and make a coffee every time she’s on the screen.

Another bug bear is Amber; does anyone seriously allow their children to speak to them in the manner that she speaks to her father Dev? I may be completely wrong about this but I honestly think that soap kids in general are in a fairly big way responsible for the lack of respect in real life that kids have for authority. I know that might sound a bit crackers but kids in soaps are often the spawn of satan and talk to adults like they’re something they just stepped in and they’re being beamed into our living rooms daily.

To be fair though, a lot of ads are the same. One example is the ad for ‘crusts off’ bread where we see a child in a yes-no war of words with his mother about his eating a sandwich. He kicks the wall in his temper and shouts at his mother that he won’t eat bread with crusts on. If that had been one of my kids, they’d have found the point was moot because they’d have been in their room, deprived of sandwiches or anything else, until they behaved like a decent human being.

Back to Corrie, I also found it a bit sad that the writers – clearly groping around for something to keep the elderly residents in the plot – have Norris and Emily involved in a will-she-chuck-him-out saga. Who cares?? As far as I’m aware, accommodation isn’t that hard to get in Manchester so it’s not so much a cliff-hanger as a vacant airport hangar of a storyline, complete with drifting tumbleweeds.

And my final rant this week is about Eastenders. Again, this soap has had some marvellous storylines in the past and is now taking a real life horror story – that of sexual abuse – and bravely giving it an airing but then we’ve got Peggy being jealous of Pat’s family photo. Ooooooookay, so what’s that about? There’s also ‘arch villain’ Archie who’s shaping up to be some kind of puppet master extraordinaire but so far, he’s only managed to extract the promise of ‘you owe me one’ from Billy and the hapless duo, Garry and Minty. In what capacity could he possibly use favours returned from these muppets? Perhaps he wants his car fixed only then to be broken or lost by Billy. Or possibly he wants some double entendre uttered which Billy can accidentally overhear and get wrong… the possibilities are endless.

Ok, well, rant over for this week – you may return to your life, but be warned, I’ll be back next week!