Mum And Me: BBC One
Film-maker Sue Bourne has a string of successful documentaries to her name, most recently Cutting Edge’s My Street, Wedding Days and the Emmy-nominated The Falling Man. With Mum & Me, Sue has turned the cameras on her own family to produce a searing, honest, funny, tragic, yet ultimately uplifting, documentary. Filmed over three years with her teenage daughter, Holly, Mum & Me is the story of how Sue and her family have fumbled along trying to come to terms with her mother’s Alzheimer’s.
“I thought long and hard about whether to make this film and expose myself, my mother and my daughter,” says Sue. “But I realised there was something special about mum and her Alzheimer’s, because she’s taught us to laugh in the face of adversity. She refuses to be miserable or self pitying and through it all has retained her sense of humour. Everything I’d seen about Alzheimer’s was devastatingly miserable, so I wanted this film to show that, in spite of Alzheimer’s, you can still laugh together and have fun.”
Sue’s widowed mother, Ethel, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s six years ago and now lives in a nursing home in Ayr, Scotland. Once a month, Sue makes the 800-mile round trip from London to visit her – sometimes with her daughter, Holly. This film tells the story of those visits, the conversations, the daily phone calls and the little holidays the three of them have had.
Good times and bad times are described with equal honesty, and it’s a brave film that pulls no punches as it explores what Alzheimer’s does to someone’s mind and the toll it takes on the family.
Mum & Me will strike a chord with many people – it’s about family and love and the final commentary encapsulates the spirit of the film.
“I want mum to live for ever and ever just the way she is,” says Sue. “But, sadly, I know this won’t happen. Her Alzheimer’s means she’s going to get worse. All Holly and I can hope for is that in the time we’ve got left the three of us will laugh some more together.”
Tuesday 20 May
10.35-11.35pm BBC ONE
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I would like say a big well done to sue and daughter holly very brave in doing what they have done. I cried , laughed , had jolly good fun watching the three of you. I would also like to make a documentary about huntingtions diease that has run in three generations of my family. I am currently a carer for mam who has the diease who is steadily getting worse with memory , temper all sorts of things.
thanks collette
Having just watched Sue Bourne’s ‘Mum and Me’ on BBC 1 I have been left with a number of feelings and thoughts on both the purpose of the film and the characters within. Bourne claims she was making a film ‘to show that life with Alzheimers can still be lived and full of laughter’. The film, in full showing, lived up to this promise for only the first few minutes. The rest was, in brutal honesty, a bear baiting. Sue is, as she states at one point ‘a 57 year old woman’ of, I assume, good intelligence. She is also, despite her frequent trips to the nursing home and daily phone calls, self-seeking, if not self-serving in the reasons behind the film, and the way it was filmed; a self- appointed martyr with a passive aggressive streak and nothing to lose.
Statements are made throughout the film: Ethel has Alzheimers, cannot remember days out that finished half an hour ago, is incontinent. Our knowledge of her disease would have been enough to guide our viewing yet we are constantly barraged with repeated and forced reminders. Ethel is tortured with repeated questions they know she won’t be able to answer . Smiles to the camera when she gets confused. Well done, you’ve proven – once again – what we already know. Could there be a degree negatively derived positive feeling – setting herself up again and again for a fall. Asking her mother whether she enjoyed a day she cannot remember and then getting mad when she answers that she hasn’t enjoyed it – whatever it was.
You realise very quickly in that the laughter that has been positioned as the motif of this story is often nothing more than a nervous habit; Ethel’s attempt at the complex self-deprivation we British are so good at, yet wizened down to its rudimentary state. Unfortunately there is no room for this to be charming as self-deprivation doesn’t come into it – again and again they throw abusive comments at her. I am all for realising that people’s relationships with their parents are complex, lord knows I’ve said worse to my mother in our time. My mother, however, can fight back, can give as good as she gets. The laughter is mainly at Ethel, not with her.
Passive aggressiveness is rife throughout. Sue is the queen of it. She doesn’t tell her mother of her cancer yet holds it against her. From January onwards their relationship, by her own admission, changes. Sue is angry that her mother doesn’t know, very angry, and blames her for this. Again the ‘kicks’ come into play as she sets up a hypothetical situation asking her mother to imagine if Sue was ill. Cat toying with a mouse anyone? The film is about Sue not Ethel, and what a pity that the journo-arrogance and the unnecessary relentless reinforcement of her mother’s weakness are traits Sue has passed onto her daughter.
totally agree with lauren sue just wanted the chance to make her documentory and for people to feel sorry for her perhaps one day holly might be dealing with her mothers incontinene the same way and filming it. what made me mad was at the end they asked the mother for her approval. wouldnt it have been good if ethel had said no three years wasted.
Was absolutely enthralled by Sue and Holly’s sheer dedication – have been there too but didn’t cope with such humour and directness. How I wish I’d thought to pitch at this level. I cried I laughed and I have nothing but admiration. Thank you for such an insight into a very personal story.
Disappointed that others view this documentary in a negative way – this was indeed about Ethel – no illness no story ….. and love was all around.
Agree with ALL the negative comments. This is a very disturbing programme and I just hope it doesn’t give too many people the idea this is how to treat a person with dementia. Would be interesting to hear comment frm Alz.society. We have been going thru this agony for the past 7 years with the prospect of many more to come and while I agree it is important to find things to laugh about NOT in the way portrayed here. This was plain and simple abuse and humiliation.
I believe Sue and Holly should be praised and admired for their strength and humour while dealing with such a demanding and emotional disease. Sue stated at the beginning that they started filming for personal reasons, to hold onto the last precious moments they have with Ethel. It was not for any of our viewing and we should feel privilaged that we were able to see it. If any typically “British” attitude has been adopted here, it’s the one displayed by those who post such negative comments – to shy away from reality and be appalled that someone dared to display their ‘dirty laundry’ in public. How old fashioned and narrow minded.
I do not agree with Lauren’s comments that Sue “holds it against” her mother that she is dealing with cancer, what a ridiculous statement to make. And who are you to draw judgement on the way she’s raising her daughter? That is simply none of your business.
There were of course uncomfortable moments, but Sue, without doubt was aware of this and it obviously was the reaction she wanted to evoke. Without these moments the film would be censored and would not succeed it being so honest about the difficulties of Alzheimers.
I thought Holly showed great strength throughout, and if Sue has passed anything on to her, its the ability to seek humour in even the most challenging times and stay strong for yourself and others.
As for the film not being about Ethel, again I find this unfair. I personally was completely engrossed by her radiant character, her fantastic timing and believe there was no point when the focus of the film was lost. I came away wanting to meet Ethel for myself, to spend time with such an interesting, funny person. Her wit has certainly not been clouded by her confusion!
Congratulations to all three, Sue truly succeeded in creating one of the most sincere, open and thought provoking documentaries I’ve ever seen. I cannot wait for her next one.
I watched with so much feeling the film made by Sue Bourne and her daughter Holly- although my dear Mum died 11 years ago of cancer I enjoyed a wonderful relationship with my Mum and no one will ever ever know how much I miss her and still need her (I am 62)when you lose your parents my Dad 26 years ago – suddenly you feel so very alone – even though I have a husband 3 sons and grandchildren a Mum and Dad are so very very special – and I cannot bear to hear of old folk who don’t see their children and are not looked after by them – we owe it to our parents to care for them when they get old after all they looked after and cared for us as children – well done Sue for everything you did and are still doing you love your Mum so much and it shows – despite getting upset and frustrated at times – what a loveley lady your Mum is – I would like to know how she is now and of course how you are. Many thanks for a wonderful film xx
I agree with Lauren. This was appalling abuse of a vulnerable adult who did not have the capacity to give or deny consent. This frail and vulnerable lady was shown to be at risk from her own family! If a carer in the home that Ethel lived in had treated her as the family did she would have been in court for it – and rightly so.
It should be a privilige and a pleasure visiting your Mum : not a money making task for which you expect your Mum to be greatful! How much was Sue paid for this documentary by the BBC?
I’m shocked at the negative feedback Sue has received. I can only assume that those who could only see bad in Sue for having made this documentary, are jealous at her ability and the mechanisms she has in place, to deal with some very difficult times in her life. I thought the film was marvellous. It was honest and showed the extremely hard side of loving and sharing a life with someone who has alzheimers. Yet, what made it so watchable and enjoyable, was the humour Sue, her mother and daughter share to get them through this. There was a real sense of unity. Very few of us could cope with a situation so well not to mention having a diagnosis of cancer on top of that. Well done all 3 of you. It’s great to see normal people living a normal life that would normally be hidden. Thank you for sharing it with us and allowing some of us to feel we don’t need to feel so guilty for the emotions we had towards a relative with the same condition.
caroline your comment very few of us could cope with the situation and your right but informal abuse is what it is.I have been a dimentia health care assistant for over ten years and when my mum died a year ago tommorow i looked after her at her home and took 6 months off my work to care for her and she died at home where she wanted to be. It was the hardest thing i have ever done IN MY LIFE nothing could have prepared me for it yes i lost my temper with lack of sleep and frustration at my rock the woman than i turned to just months before was incointinent and did not know who i was but even now on the few occasions i did get angry you dont know how much i cry with guilt and i will have to live with that .BUT filming your mother having personal care is just a step to far and what really sickned me was her lack of remorse and other peoples acceptance to what they saw in a world where we are trying to promote person-centredness dignity respect and choice and this is allowed to be shown.If sue was a nurse and she treated someone in her care like that she would not be allowed in that position ever again and if she can treat her own mother like that on tv what is she really like to her . But i suppose all u can do is feel sorry for people like sue and others who enjoyed it as they obviously have issuesand think this is acceptable and what goes around comes around .
I am working on a project to look at end of life care for people with dementia and would be very interested in looking at this documentary by Sue Bourne entitled Mum and Me. Am I able to get a copy of this from anywhere please??
Many thanks
I am working on a project to looking at end of life care for people with dementia and was very interested in the documentary by Sue Bourne – Mum and Me. Is there any way I would be able to get a copy of the programme to help with my project please??
Many thanks
Hi,
I think its too late to get it on iPlayer at this stage but you can watch clips of it on youtube. Here is one
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=9A-7V-stl_c