Review Of Ben: Diary of a heroin addict
This was a programme that was quite unique for several reasons; first, because the primary footage was filmed by Ben himself in a series of video diaries that documented his battle with heroin addiction. Second, Ben never tried to make excuses for himself or his behaviour and he always seemed to want to get off the drug and third, there was no mention throughout that Ben had ever done anything criminal to get money for drugs. If he did, as I say, it wasn’t mentioned in the footage but in every other documentary about heroin addiction, crime has featured large as a means to pay for the drug.
Ben Rogers was a bright, caring man from a loving middle-class family. Brought up in a quiet, picturesque Staffordshire village, Ben was a boy Scout, loved cricket, rode ponies, played in the school orchestra and looked forward to the annual family camping holiday in France. But despite his privileged and happy start in life, Ben found himself on the road to ruin and was transformed into a junkie, injecting heroin up to four times a day.
Ravaged by the killer drug, by age 32, Ben’s body began to break down and he developed DVT – deep vein thrombosis – a potentially deadly condition where blood clots form. His veins were rendered so useless by his constant injecting that he had to inject directly into his groin.
Despite his family’s best efforts to help, love and support him, Ben couldn’t stop taking heroin. He was haunted by – and hooked on – it and his loving family had to try to live with the Ben they loved as well as Ben the addict. They would continue to sacrifice so much for Ben that, as is often the case with heroin addiction, Ben was by no means the only victim, nor was he the only one who suffered.
Eventually, rocked by the revelation that his father had been diagnosed with terminal cancer, Ben was more determined than ever to put his 15 year addiction to rest but sadly, it was to be that desperate attempt at withdrawal that was to cost him his life.
“I want you to be proud of me for once in my life and not just think of me as a s***head junkie, f***ing alcoholic piece of f***ing crap, because I’m not, I promise.” He told his father via a video diary entry. However, while attempting to detox in hospital in 2006 aged 34, Ben died suddenly from a brain haemorrhage. In a cruelly ironic twist, Ben’s final attempt to battle his drug demon delivered the fatal blow.
Ben had begun filming early in 2005 and his video diaries covered the entirety of his life; his family, friends and of course, his addiction.
His friend Matt remarked that Ben had once said to him, “I never thought I would get addicted to heroin” but, like all heroin users, he did and then fought for years to get out of the vicious cycle of addiction.
Ben’s video diaries were moving, sad, disturbingly graphic and showed how desperately Ben wanted to stop using and how much he resented what heroin was doing not just to him, but to everyone around him. We saw a lot of footage of Ben injecting himself and subsequently passing out. We saw him cry from the sheer frustration of the cycle he was in and from the realisation that he was hurting so many of the people who loved him the most.
At age 25, Ben worked full time in a film studio in London as a runner, a job which he loved, but as it transpired, not even this was enough to make him kick the addiction. He kept the job for 3 years and his family constantly hoped that it would signal an end to his heroin use, but it was not to be and he lost the job due to the effects of his addiction. By the time he was 30, Ben was injecting four times a day and by the time he was 32, he was diagnosed with DVT as previously mentioned and went to live back at home with his parents.
He struggled to cope with living with his parents again – and they with him – and he couldn’t make enough money to fuel his habit. His friends were shocked to see Ben again after his absence because by then, the addiction had ravaged him and made him look haggard and old. He drank heavily, was skinny and as one friend remarked, “He looked like a heroin addict”.
Ben became like a “special needs” child to his parents because he couldn’t be left alone at any time. His unconscious states after injecting left him vulnerable and his family feared what could happen to him if he was left on his own. They twice paid for rehab for Ben but it didn’t work. However, after a few weeks at home, Ben decided to go ‘cold-turkey’. This meant that he had to go for 5 days without drugs in order to get on an NHS detox program so his parents locked him in the house to stop him going out to score. However, he jumped out of a bedroom window on the third day to get drugs and was soon back on heroin full time.
In a very sad diary entry, his mother wept openly and railed at Ben as he once again tried to convince her that he wanted to get off drugs. She explained too that because of the demands Ben made on them for money, Mike hadn’t been able to retire and in effect, they’d sacrificed their retirement for Ben. His father had even – unbeknown to other family members – taken Ben to dealers to pick up drugs from them. Mike was a very quiet and gentle man and it must have taken a great deal for him to do that.
Ben’s sisters Sarah and Stephanie talked about how family gatherings, such as Christmas, were an agony and everyone was anxious that there would be “Ben issues”. His mother commented that people had told her addicts have to want to stop and others had said they must get to the lowest point they can go before they’ll turn things around. She said that he did want desperately to stop and he had got to the lowest point he could go; living rough and begging, yet it still wasn’t enough to enable him to stop.
Mike was then diagnosed with cancer and in an effort to stop taking heroin for his dad’s sake, Ben decided to go under his own steam to a rehab clinic and made a final video diary in which he angrily sobbed and railed about his situation and his life. He said repeatedly that he thought he was dying; he was in pain all the time, felt sick and was vomiting blood. On camera, he told his family he was sorry for everything he’d done and asked God to forgive him his sins. It was to be horribly prophetic because just days later, Ben was dead.
The day after making that video diary, Ben checked into a rehab unit at his local hospital and 24 hours later, he died of a brain haemorrhage caused by his withdrawal. His father, Mike, died just 9 weeks later.
This was a desperately sad but very insightful and intelligent documentary that showed in awful detail how an average family can be devastated by this evil drug. This bright young man was lost; his mother lost both a son and a husband and indeed, the whole family lost two people who should have lived longer and better.
Ben wasn’t responsible for his father’s illness of course but the fact is, his mum and dad could, and should, have enjoyed their last few years together without the terrible emotional and financial burden of a heroin addicted child. Ben should have been married, having a good career and maybe a family of his own but instead, he got only half the years he could have expected and they were mostly miserable years.
Sadly, this is not an uncommon story and it’s a drama that’s playing out in the lives of thousands of Britons every year, but it is a desperately sad one I wept for Ben and his very lovely family. What a lucky man he was to have had them because otherwise, his short life would have been so much worse.
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That programme was all too real for me. I have been there to with my son. My son to is a very loving and caring person (when he wasn’t on the drugs) who was disgusted with the fact that he had become addicted to heroin. Just that word heroin makes my blood boil and my whole body tenses up as the memories of that horrid time in my and my families life which comes flooding back like it was yesterday. That is the point, it never leaves, you can never trust or believe that the person you love so much is free of such an evil addiction. The memories of my son going cold turkey so he could get on a programme and on the very last day before he was to start the teatment ask could he start next week as he needed one more last fix. I can remember physically trying to restrain him from climing out of the window to get out of the house and running in the street after him bare footed, desperate to stop him from starting again. I can remember how dirty and unkempt he looked, I was desperate for him to shower and brush his teeth then I could believe that everything would be ok. Somehow if he looked clean then everying would be back to normal. What is normal, that is a thing of the past. My son is still alive and has kicked the habbit (I hope) but it has left a lasting effect on him. He has lost a lot of hair and I think that may have something to do with the drugs. He hates the feel of water on his hands or body and he hates brushing his teeth, all these things freak him out. He has little confidence because of the above and people take advantage of that. He lost his house, his girlfriend but he acquired other things like debt. Although he was never in trouble with the police he stole from us and took out loans. I now have no jewellery for which he is very remorseful. At the time though he only had one thing on his mind and that was the next fix. He opened up an account with Argos purchased a colour tv and other electrical items and then took them straight to cash converters to exchange for cash and receiving a fraction of the money back. It did not matter at that time, as he could buy his next fix. Heroin is vial, it destroys families and tears peoples lives apart. Ben had a wonderful family and a lovely father. I could see myself in his father. I too went with my son and purchased that vial stuff. I did not want my son to get into trouble I loved him too much. I gave him money. Lots of it, but I loved him and hoped that one day it would all come to an end. As a family both myself and his dad received counselling from one of the volunteer drug agencies. I would not of survived if it has not been for their support. My counsellor was brilliant. My son receives support now and is on a very low dose of subutex. Recently my son sat me down and said he had something to tell me. He and his girlfriend are living with us as the moment as they have recently moved out of their own flat. When he looked a little worried I said please tell me what you have to tell me. I said is it to do with drugs. He said no mom. I said then I can deal with anything because nothing can be as bad as that. He announced that his girlfriend is pregnantand that he will become a father in June next year. Not brilliant timing as they are living with us but as I said earlier we can deal with it. I am now in a dilema, do I suggest to my son that he watches the programme just to make him aware of how far he has come or should I leave it. I hope Ben’s story will put people of ever taking drugs and then his life and story would not have been in vain. Thank you Ben for sharing your life with us, lets hope it will save some people from making the same mistake which you made. Ben I am sure god has forgiven you. Love and kisses
What an immensely powerful and moving story underlining the pain, insanity and frustration of addiction; tragic and heartbeaking for all involved. This is perhaps the most sensitive,intense and intimate portrayal of heroin addiction I have ever seen. It seems as balanced and objective as is possible. I pray for peace for Ben’s family and that this film will help to promote a more realistic view of life in addiction. I hope it will do good and help to raise awareness of the experience of addiction and break down the prejudices which surround it. Ben RIP x
I have cried since watching Bens story last night,because of what this evil drug does to the user and the family and also it is so close to home too.My brother has been a heroin addict since the age of 15,he is now 39 and has a d.v.t which requires him to have wharfrin injections on a daily basis.Whether he goes for this I don’t know,but I/we worry about him constantly.Bens story should be shown in schools as this may have some impact on our children before they too decide to get ‘high’ with their friends.My children are lucky and sadly aware of the impacts drug addiction has,as we have had the pleasure of having one of my brothers children for 10 years,after my nephew had a nasty road accident and social services became involved.Like Bens nieces and nephews my children and my brothers son are aware of why my brother is ‘tired’ today,but he is loved by us so very much.Ben was so lucky to have such a loving and supportive family and I think they should be proud of not turning their backs on him,when society does this enough.These are human beings and have feelings that get hurt all the time by people who don’t understand what its like to have something control your every waking moment.The problem is not enough people acknowledge this.God bless Ben,his loving family and all other user’s and their loved ones.
I am Ben’s mum and it moved me greatly to read the letters from Diane and Julie. I sometimes think I’ve cried all the tears I’ve got then something or someone touches me and I start again. The reason I have allowed this intrusion into my grief is that I wanted to show authority, namely the police, prisons, drugs agencies etc. that drug addicts can be victims as well as criminals. That they have personalities and feelings – stories if you like. I also wanted to show the public that they are not ‘low life’ that heroin addiction – for whatever reason they take it in the first place – very quickly becomes and illness. I wanted also to get heroin into the open. Families are very ashamed and therefore secretive about the problem and I believe that unless they are more open about it nothing much will ever get done. Lastly I want to get some of Ben’s story into education – it has to stop before it begins. We have to tell young people how it really is. Not cool, not clever, not an answer to problems, not something you can pick up and put down whenever you feel like it, its NOT an option in anyone’s life. My prayers go out to you both that your loved ones become one of the survivors. Anne Rogers
I watched the programme last night on Ben’s life. I am hoping it will be aired again so that I can watch it with my daughter. I want to thank Ben’s family for allowing those tapes to be aired on tv and also thank Ben for leaving such an everlasting lesson to us all, Ben’s family were so loving and gentle and Ben was a loving son in return. His addiction took over his and his families lives but there was still love there. I was able to see exactly how addiction effects both the addict and the family. I want to thank Ben’s family once again for this truly amazing insight. Ben, thank you too, you are at peace now. RIP.
To Anne, I wrote this piece and I just wanted to say thank you for sharing this terrible tragedy with us so that we may learn from it. You’re an amazing woman, as are all the women who’ve posted here with their own terrible experiences. You all have a fortitude and courage that takes my breath away.
Your son was a wonderful human being Anne, but of course I don’t need to tell you that, and his legacy in the form of those tapes may well help others to escape the cycle of addiction. You have a wonderful family and your husband seemed like the kind of man anyone would treasure as a friend.
My very best wishes to you and thank you for taking the time to visit us.
Lynn
I work for the NHS and I have worked for many years in the Prison Service and Police Authorities. I had an opinion of heroin addicts common to a lot of people, in that I thought they were the lowest form of life, that they were selfish and criminal and were no use in society.
This documentary changed my way of thinking immediately. I saw Ben as a total victim. A human being with emotions and feelings. A slave to this evil drug. He loved his family and wanted desperately to turn his life around.
I am not embarrassed to say I cried at the end. I was (and still am) truly moved by the whole experience of witnessing this poor man and his family suffer so much.
The fact that he died as a result of getting help is devastating. We will never know of course if his rehab would have worked but he tried and for that I can’t help but give my admiration.
Ben, wherever you are out there, you changed the way I think and in my profession I will certainly do all I can to try to help an educate people around me, to the fight within those that are addicted to heroin.
Jonny, I agree entirely and what I didn’t previously mention in my article or in my reply to Anne was that my brother in law died of a heroin overdose when he was just 27. He’d kicked the addiction for years, had become a very religious young man and was searching for his place in life when he tried it just one more time and sadly, that time killed him.
He changed my view of heroin addicts but had I not known him, I too would have had the opinion that addicts are not to be pitied or helped however on seeing this documentary, my opinion would have changed.
Isn’t it great though that Ben and his family opened their lives to us and I truly believe it will do a great deal of good. And for you, it clearly already has.
Thanks for your comment
Lynn
I think this story should go far further than just a hard hitting film that it was,
I think this should be used as a part of education and showed in secondary schools,
I don’t think there would be any better deterrent than watching this film. I can never
understand the pain Ben and all the people around him felt as I have never been in this
situation but watching his story has given me a much better insight into the suffering it
causes so many people. I really hope Bens tragic story is used to some good effect.
I just wanted to say to you that i think you and your family are amazing, I watched the film Sunday and Monday because i found it so moving. My brother and is a herion addict and my dad has struggled most of his life with issues with various drugs including herion it is hard to believe how much it has changed and damaged them. I found your families responce to Ben really insiring as i do find myself getting angry at them and their behaviour. Ben seemed such a sweet man and i am so so sorry for your loss i could not stop crying at the end when he died in rehab it is such a sad story. I think you have been incredibly brave to put this out there and everyone i have spoken to who saw it has found it has challeged their opinions, and views which is brilliant. For me it really struck a cord so thankyou it has helped me realise there are other families who go through this and struggle with the same issues, I empathise so much with your loss XX
[...] then please watch Beniary of a heroin addict. If you aren’t a fan of the Murdoch corporation Review Of Ben: Diary of a heroin addict @ Unreality Primetime http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/t…in-Addict.html Don’t think it is simple as just stopping [...]
I watched Ben’s story with a mixture of sympathy and horror, seeing him driving after injecting drugs was horrifying I couldn’t even watch as he injected the drugs into his groin, it was heart wrenching to watch the agony of his obviously loving family and to hear Ben’s obvious need to have their affirmation that they still loved him even after all he had put them through. I sobbed at the end for both Ben and his lovely Dad who I hope are both at peace.
OH MY GOD.BENS STORY WAS A MIRROR IMAGE OF MY LITTLE BROTHER WHO WE LOST TO HEROIN 4 YRS AGO.BEN WAS A GENTLEMAN AS MY BROTHER WAS.ONLY THING THAT DIFFERED THEM THAS THAT MY BROTHER HUNG HIMSELF.HE HATED WHAT THE DEMON HEROIN HAD DONE TO HIM AND HOW IT AFFECTED HIS FAMILY AND SON AND FRIENDS.HE WAS SUCH A GENTLE SOUL,BUT LOST HIS SOUL TO THE DRUG AS HE WOULD TELL YOU.MY GOD I COULD WRITE A BOOK.I WATCHED HIM GO FROM A BRIGHT YOUNG LAD TO A BROKEN SOUL.I’M A MENTAL HEALTH WORKER’ANSD SEE WHAT EFFECT IT HAS ON THIS GENEATION.SO MANY BROKEN HEARTS THAT CAN NEVER BE HEALED.I WATCHED HIM HANG FROM A TREE FOR 2 HRS BEFORE THEY TOOK HIM DOWN.I WAS ON MY KNEES BEGGING ;PLEASE THIS ISN’T HAPPENING.BUT IT WAS AND DID.I COULD WRITE A BOOK.MY HEARTFELT SORRY TO ALL WHO KNEW AND LOVED BEN.GOD BLESS THEM ALL.BENS IN HEAVEN NOW,JUST AS MY BROTHER IS.AS THIS WAS A HELL ON THIS EARTH THAT THEY HAD TO ENDURE.MY GOD’WHERE’S THE GOVERMENTS HELP ON REHAB CENTRES ETC TO HELP PEOPLE LIKE MY BROTHER AND BEN AND THOUSANDS OF OTHERS.OH SURE! YOU GO VISIT THE DOCTOR.TOLD TO WAIT MONTHS ON A WAITING LIST BEFORE ANY KIND OF HELP IS GIVEN.WAS TOO LATE FOR MY BROTHER.WORSE THING AF ALL IS THAT MY BROTHER WAS OFF HEROIN FOR 3 WEEKS,THEN KILLED HIMSELF.SOO SAD.DEMON HEROIN CHASE HAD WON.SORRY I CANT SAY ANYMORE.HEARTBROKEN I AM.
i watched ben and thought i would cry all the way through, as it was so harrowing. Instead I watched it, with my mouth open, and felt totally numb at the end… it took all my emotions away as I went the journey with Ben and his beautiful family. I am in recovery from Bulimia and Alcohol Abuse and could see that look in Ben’s eyes when he was so far gone, so familiar and so telling. He was a beautiful human being and I just felt so so sad for everyone – mostly for his wonderful Mum who never lost faith in him and a father who adored him beyond anything – who lost his own fight for life – I think Ben was very, very lucky to have amazing people around him who never stopped believing. What a waste and what a powerful film. I will never forget Ben or his family – my thoughts go out to you all and hope that this film will touch even one drug addict out there, to show them that life really IS worth living.
TO BENS MUM, and anyone else who has been through it, i have just watched the programme and was in tears, my brother in law has been on heroin for about 10 years now and i have done everything i can to help him, and i care deeply about him, but i know there is nothing else i can do. I too hope that like Bens Mum that somehow he will hit the bottom and come back up,however i am struggling to see that happen. All people think is smack head, but there is so much more to him than that,however you only really see the other side to him upon his release from prison, and that hurts me. I care for him more than if he were my own brother, and seeing this programme moved me deeply, so i want to say thankyou so much for sharing this with us, ok it probably won’t help the generation already using, but maybe can save some of the up and coming adults from falling in the same traps too xxxxx
I thought this programme was an open, honest insight into the half life of an addict. I have never come across the addiction in anyone i know, and i will freely admit i cried all the way through. Not from pity, but because i felt for such a strong, supportive family and the hell they lived in for so many years. Ben showed us how this drug can make you into a passenger in your own life, as they user takes you over. He showed us how it is to watch yourself doing these things, knowing that every time you inject you are killing yourself a little, but being completely unable to stop. How powerless you must feel, how useless to be so reliant on a chemical. I found it terribly sad to view this young man, who so easily could have became someone else and what a waste of potential, and a waste of a life. I admire the bravery shown by the entire family, and it was harrowing to think it so easily could be anyone. It could have been MY brother dying. And i think that is why it is so hard to watch, because the sad fact is these days drug addiction is just around the corner. A wonderful piece of filmaking.
Watching Ben going through the devastation of his addiction was the saddest thing, right in our midst, I have ever seen. His mother, in particular, must have experienced every human emotion it is possible to feel. His poor, gentle, father would have died heartbroken. His whole family have been extremely brave and honest to allow this video to be shown. It should be shown in every secondary school in GB – surely no-one would ever want to go through what this family, and other, have gone through for the sake of a ‘high’.