Snog, Marry, Avoid – My vote? Avoid like the plague…

by Lynn Connolly


Vacuous, empty-headed, inane… and those were just the good points of this immensely awful show.

Ex-Atomic Kitten Jenny Frost presented the Endemol produced show, which – for the lord only knows why – began its second series and was billed as the “world’s first make-under show.”

Ultimately, the idea is to transform “OTT girls and boys into natural beauties” and before and after each make-under, the public – surprise, surprise – vote as to whether they would rather snog, marry or avoid the people in question…

Notice a trend at all? Whenever Endemol is involved in anything, there’s a phone vote… always. Correct me if I’m wrong but I’m pretty sure I’m not.

In the super-tempting ads for last night’s show – and yes, that was sarcasm – we were promised that “flesh-flashing Mykela from London, metal-mad Mark and fake tan ambassador Chantelle from Big Brother {would all} face Jenny and POD”

POD being an acronym for Personal Overhaul Device, or possibly Probable Ofcom Debacle if Endemol’s previous record vis-à-vis phone votes are anything to go by.

The point of the POD is that ‘celebrities’ are ‘judged’ by it. The POD is most likely the voice of someone from Endemol’s secret stash of Big Brothers who are troglodytes and only allowed out during the summer to speak from behind a wall on Channel 4. Evidently, some of these shadowy figures are allowed out of BB Voice Camp to do a Wizard of Oz styly unseen-voice routine as the POD.

Said POD then spends a fair while insulting the subject before them, which in last night’s case, was Chantelle Houghton.

She stood in front of the POD for her ‘assessment’ and initially, the disembodied voice mistook her for glamour model Katie Price. On realising its silly, and I’m sure unintentional error, the POD apologised

“Sorry, the massive fake oranges were confusing me. Did the man from Del Monte say yes?”

When Chantelle replied that she was “golden” rather than orange, the POD Wizardy voice asked: “Like 24 carrots?”

At which point, I had to have corseting applied to stop my ribs cracking from all the mirth…

Undaunted, and probably not sure what was meant, Chantelle said: “When I put my makeup on and stuff, I feel like there’s a barrier and I want to see what I do look like all natural.” The POD voice replied: “You are a fake, plastic slap addict.”

If Chantelle had told me that she wanted to see what she looked like “all natural”, I’d have advised her to use copious quantities of soap, water and an industrial strength flannel and have her boobydoos reduced back to normal proportions…

Anyway, after the verbal battering from POD, Chantelle was to receive the ‘make-under.’

As we know, Chantelle looks like an over-ripe tangerine with gazongas that could lead to a foreplay session ending with her lover in hospital suffering concussion. Enter the make-under part aimed at reinventing her into the human she was before ‘fame’ sought her out, chewed her up, put her through the silicone machine and turned her orange.

As you might expect – unless you’re a bloke who ‘reads’ page 3 of a certain tabloid and thinks that’s how all women should look – Chantelle looked infinitely better with the new/revert to a more tasteful image that didn’t scream, ‘I’m famous and thick, therefore I’m orange and have massive t*ts’.

But just what is this show for? I mean, seriously, what is its purpose? I have no idea…

Actually, that’s not true, it was perfectly obvious what it’s for; it’s fun to insult people in certain circumstances and to be fair, before Chantelle went into BB as the first non-celebrity on the celebrity version – and won it – she was a very pretty girl. Now however she’s akin to a prototype of mass produced Barbie-Jordan hybrids who, when they shuffle off the mortal coil, will never, but never, bio-degrade.

So yes, I get the premise of the show but what I don’t understand is why this is entertaining and what was it for? I mean, literally, other than getting some Z lister’s face on TV, what did it tell us? The only ‘point’ I could glean is that people look better if they aren’t fake tanned and fake boobed? Since when is this news?

If you missed it, you can see a clip of Chantelle being insulted POD style here

For me, avoid will be the apropos word from the title of this show from now on! What did you think of it?

Lynn is an editor and writer here at Unreality TV and is trained psychotherapist and the author of two books. She's addicted to soaps, period drama and reality TV shows such as X Factor, I'm A Celeb and Big Brother.