TV & Me: Doll kissing, Presidents, ads & dog poo

by Lynn Connolly

This week’s TV has been a positive cornucopia of dubious televisual delights, not least, the hideous spectacle of Verne Troyer snogging a doll. I literally gagged as he ‘French kissed’ and fondled the breasts of the doll while pretending it was Mutya.

It was truly hideous and sparked outrage from viewers who were similarly repulsed, however, as repellent as it was, one thing seems to have been kinda missed… if it had been Coolio or Terry or Tommy who’d done it, it would have had serious paedophilic overtones but because it was done by someone who was ‘small’ – but nonetheless an adult man – it was just gross.

I’ve been trying to figure it out and that is the only thing I can think of for why there weren’t cries of ‘paedo’ ringing around TV forums; simply because Verne is child sized. How weird is that??

I’ll remember the day always because it was the same day that Ulrika didn’t cry and DFS weren’t having a sale.

And I also found it very squirmy to watch him sitting in a high chair pretending to be a baby… it felt a bit like how accidentally seeing your Gran naked would feel; inappropriate and pretty grim.

However, on a lighter note, I seem to have been paying a lot of attention to adverts this week for some reason so it was a bit of a coincidence to see Lisa’s article about E4 and favourite ads. I absolutely love the Churchill ad in which the epic nodding dog helps Rolf Harris move house and has dinner with Roy Walker. They both make me laugh every time!

Conversely, there are lots of ads about that I absolutely hate. For instance, if I have to hear just one more time that should I have a trip or fall anywhere, I can get 100% of the compensation, I may have to slap my telly in the face. I hate those injury lawyer ads with a passion.

I also can’t stand the ads for stain removers. How come they can put their clothes into a washer and have them come out pre-ironed? Just where does a body buy that washer ‘cos I really want one!

The ads for Sainsbury’s are getting on my left one as well. The mini-soap about Sarah – new employee with a family – is just pants. The affectation of her son Daniel in tugging at his forelock when embarrassed is getting old, as is Sarah’s huge amusement when she’s told her husband that the fish pie is hot but he burns his mouth anyway… nothing funnier than a spouse with a blistered mouth apparently.

Another most hated ad is for esure car insurance with the intensely noxious Michael Winner telling people to ‘calm down dear’. I’d knock his teeth down his throat if he told me to calm down dear. I’d also like to know why it is the car owners don’t question how come they just had an hallucination? One second they think their car is full of ducks, the next, it’s just Michael holding a wooden duck. Are they mental or what?

And Nell McAndrew doing the ad for Activia just takes the p***. Bloated? She doesn’t look like she’s ever been even in the same postcode as bloated. The woman’s a stick!

Anyway, enough of my rants over ads… though I do love a good rant.

It’s been an historic week for Americans as President Barack Obama took office and fluffed his inauguration declaration. That was a butt clenching moment wasn’t it? Although he did later redo it so that’s ok.

I really enjoyed watching all the hype and hysteria and actually, I did shed a little tear as he gave his inauguration speech and said “God bless America”. Made me wish I had a stars and stripes to wave. I didn’t so I sort of wafted my cushion instead but my intentions were good.

LaToya on Celeb BB put my back up when she told Verne that she wasn’t chuffed that all the Brits in the house didn’t volunteer their seats for the Americans – including her – while BB showed Obama’s inauguration.

She felt it showed disrespect, especially as the good old USA have bailed us limeys out of wars. Verne agreed, but frankly, the word of two people who are happy to spend their time respectively either kissing plastic dolls or looking like one really isn’t of great consequence to me.

They really should house train Billy...

My soapy telly highlights this week have been Come-On-Tan-Just-Listen-Will-Ya coming out of prison and giving Max that big slap round the kisser and lobbing his clothes into the street. It was also pretty good fun to watch Janine picking up doggy do and I thoroughly enjoyed Jamie get hit by a passing ladder on Emmerdale.

What a naff bit of acting that was. Like you would just yank a ladder away from a wall without first doing whatever it is you do to ladders to make them fold up. And since when was Rodney a window cleaner? Jamie told Mark he was there to do the “winders” ‘cos Rodney couldn’t… Have I missed something??

On the Street, I’m finding Joe’s transformation from nice guy to budding Richard Hillman a tad yawn making. He goes beresk should anyone even look at him funny these days. If he was a woman, I’d think he was menopausal but as he’s a man and dating Gail, chances are he’s a prolific serial killer. Hey ho.

I see too that Jonathan Ross is back on telly as of Friday night. Twonk. I won’t ramble on because I had a good rant over that a few days ago, but he’s a jumped up little twerp who – in my opinion – should never have been allowed to doorken the dark step of our TV again.

What’s been making you mad enough to spit or happy as a pig in… mud, this week?

Lynn is an editor and writer here at Unreality TV and is trained psychotherapist and the author of two books. She's addicted to soaps, period drama and reality TV shows such as X Factor, I'm A Celeb and Big Brother.