X Factor review: Jahmene Douglas was more Bible Club than Club Classic & Jade Ellis could be in trouble

by Matt D

When most of us go out to a club the first tune we like to hear is obviously a bad rendition of Boy Meets Girl’s seminal 1988 work ‘Waiting for a Star to Fall’ followed soon after by a mash-up of Crystal Waters’ ‘Gypsy Girl’ and Tinie Tempah’s Pass Out. If that’s not your cup of tea then it seems you wouldn’t like the sort of club that X-Factor wants to create as we enter the dreaded ‘Club Classics’ week for the third live show.

Judging from the tweed suit that Gary was wearing the club in question was in fact a golf club, while the now urban ‘Uncle Louis’ was ready to embrace his new favourite genre of music despite the fact he’d left his Timmy Mallet glasses at home. Dermot was also on fire from the start of the show by getting a stuntman to perform his opening dance before saying that Tulisa lives in a club as she doesn’t even own a home.

Singing the aforementioned cover of ‘Waiting for a Star to Fall’ was Christopher Maloney an act who I’m yet to warm to, mainly because he keeps going on about his flipping nerves. This week he was nervous again as he had to do a bit of dancing though he didn’t look too uncomfortable sandwiched between Brian Friedman and the other choreographer. The fact that he has been described in the past as being cheesy and dated didn’t deter Christopher from crooning his way through this eighties classic while wearing a Ronseal-coloured jacket. The dancing that he was so nervous about simply saw him being tossed around various dancers who appeared to be dressed in the clothes that were deemed too gaudy for Pan’s People to wear in the 1970s.

Predictably the corny feel of Chris’ performance was picked up once again with Nicole describing him as a ‘warm cheese toastie’ who she could learn to embrace however Tulisa had the line of the night when she accused Gary of ‘churning his own Stilton’ in regards to the cheesy performance she’d just heard. The surprise for me was that Louis actually liked it though this seemed primarily because he remembered buying the record which it turns out is a whole month older than Tulisa. Gary’s only defence of Chris was that he was the people’s choice to be there however he can only survive on that claim for a number of weeks and I feel that he is definitely in danger after this performance.

Someone who I felt was in danger last week was MK1 after their ‘Uncle Louis’ took some of the urban out of them however they hung on and this week came out fighting. I personally have a soft spot for MK1 as they honestly seemed to be enjoying themselves rather than worrying about what’s going on every two minutes and excelled in a week that was made for them. Charlie’s vocals were the best they’ve been as she sung her way through Crystal Waters’ ‘Gypsy Girl’ while Sim’s rapping was also top notch however I’m not sure why they decided to mash it up with Tinie Tempah’s ‘Pass Out’. Tulisa who is the ‘urban expert’ on the panel agreed with me by claiming that she loved the first half of the number however she said her pet hate was people impersonating Tinie Tempah as he’s the only who can pull off those raps, while Gary agreed that it was certainly a performance of two halves. Nicole absolutely loved it describing it as ‘Frickin’ Schamazing’ as she felt like she wanted to get up and dance to their beats while Louis finished off with a good old cliché telling them that it was their best performance yet.

The introduction of Jahmene kicked off a different theme as the majority of the solo acts were competing with each other to see who had had the worst week. Jahmene’s week was pretty traumatic as the press discovered that he used to be beaten by his dad who was now in prison and I think that’s part of the reason that he was visibly shaken when he went on stage. As Jahmene sauntered out in his little suit to sing ‘I Say a Little Prayer For You’ he came across as more Bible Club than Club Classic especially given what we’ve heard about his celibacy pledge. There’s no doubt that Jahmene is one of the most talented members of the final eleven however I felt he displayed no personality last night and wonder how he’d cope with an international tour if he can’t even get through one performance without almost cracking up. The feedback was as brilliant as ever with Louis comparing him to a young Ray Charles while Tulisa described him as amazingly adorable. Gary’s only criticism was he thought Jahmene looked awkward moving around the stage and he rather he’d have just stood there and sung however it is club classics week.

After being my favourite act last episode Jade was also having a tough week as her voice was continuing to deteriorate and under instructions from The X-Factor vocal coach she went to the doctor. For some reason the production team thought we needed to see the full examination of Jade’s vocal chords with the prognosis being that she had a sore throat and had to rest it for two days. From the performance given Jade, who was done up completely in pink, still had a dodgy voice and from where I was sitting there seemed to be a lot of auto-tuning during her performance of Ultra Nate’s ‘Free’. Nicole and Gary were both complementary praising Jade’s tone with Nicole telling her she needed to believe in herself while Gary rather creepily told her that he was ‘behind her’. Only Louis seemed worry claiming that she didn’t sing like a superstar as there was no great passion and I’d tend to agree with his assertion that she may well be in the bottom two come Sunday.

James tried to up the ante in terms of having the ‘Worst Week’ as we saw footage of him from last week essentially collapsing after he couldn’t feel his arms which I thought was just him taking the heartache theme a little too far. Eventually it was revealed that he had high blood pressure, probably caused by one too many pork scratchings, so I’m not sure how good an idea it was for him to be straddled by a menagerie of sexy ladies during tonight’s performance. It appeared that Mr Arthur was also trying to upstage Lucy by bringing a guitar on stage as he made his way through an almost unrecognisable version of ‘Sexy and I Know It’ which was a cut above the original version. Louis unleashed another of his favourite clichés telling James that he’s what the show is all about while Tulisa said that she was glad to see him enjoying himself. I also really enjoyed it and though I’m not sure if I agree with Gary’s claim that it was the performance of the series it was definitely a contender for the night’s best turn which cemented James as the strongest male soloist in the competition.

While the majority of the acts were having it tough the boy bands were out partying with their groupies as we spied on Union J taking the obligatory trip to Top Shop in Oxford Street to be met by dozens of screaming tweenage fans who wanted a picture with the one who looked like Harry Styles. Louis worried that his four-piece group were becoming complacent and still wanted them to work really hard despite getting a full complement of positive comments last week. After being wowed by their previous performance I felt the boys took a step down this week as they made their way through a technically sound rendition of Kelly Rowland’s ‘When Love Takes Over’ which didn’t really have any passion behind it. The boys also weren’t gelling when it came to their harmonies a point that Barlow picked up on despite claiming that we’d seen the birth of a new boyband over the last couple of weeks. Tulisa agreed feeling pretty smug with herself after spotting their potential weeks ago by telling them that they were getting better and better as the weeks progressed.

Most people were anticipating Rylan’s performance as it appeared as if the Club Classics theme was made for him, however I felt it was a bit of a let down as it failed to live up to last week’s bonkers turn. Rylan’s horrible week saw him loose his precious beard as he and Lucy visited a hair salon and although I’m not exactly a fashion icon I felt he looked a little bit more like a normal person following his makeover. For his mash-up of ‘Get on the Floor’ and ‘Please Don’t Stop the Music’, Rylan was accompanied by a bunch of dancers wearing black and white stripes while intertwining with each other on the floor which came across as a bit of a naughty party at a prison. Though it didn’t grab me as much as previous Rylan performances have Louis and Tulisa both felt he still had the entertainment factor however the latter criticised his poor vocals. Obviously Barlow still wasn’t a fan saying that he wasn’t won over by Rylan’s dance moves though Nicole stuck up for her boy claiming that he was the only who actually did any dancing. I feel that Rylan isn’t as endearing as the novelty acts of previous years and feel that he will be eliminated within the next couple of weeks.

Talking of Rylan he and Lucy Spraggan caused a bit of drunken ruckus outside the swanky hotel in which all the acts are staying to the extent that they were thrown out. Lucy then hadn’t had as traumatic a week as some of the others, though she did suffer a loss in the last episode, so her VT was basically an apology for her bad behaviour. This week Lucy’s performance was a mix of original verse mixed up with the choruses of David Guetta’s ‘Titanium’ however not being a fan of the song I had no idea that most of this was an original slice of Spraggle Rock. As always the judges were full of praise for Lucy with Gary describing her as innovative, Nicole telling her she loved her lyrics and Louis praising the singer for her brilliant story-telling. However it did seem that Louis briefly became the voice of the producers when he chastised her for having a bit too much of a good night out though to be fair she did warn the judges of her alcoholic behaviour in her first audition.

According to Gary, Kye had a spot of the flu however being a chimney sweep he should be used to plenty of flues by now but it also appeared that he’d had a tough week as Barlow was extremely critical of his previous performance. Taking the role of drill sergeant Gary forced Kye to count how many times he went out of tune last week, apparently the total was 32, before imploring him to reach his peak once again. As Kye made his way through a quieter version of Swedish House Mafia’s ‘Save the World’ he was accompanied by a large industrial structure that made him look like he was a part of the musical version of Mad Max: Thunderdome. Once again I was underwhelmed by Kye but it seemed as I was in the minority as Nicole described it as epic and honest and Tulisa telling him that what he’d lost last week had come back this week. Personally Kye comes across as a terribly nice guy with a good voice but he just doesn’t do anything for me and I can’t see him progressing past the halfway period of the series.

Like with Union J, District 3 also got to meet their baying female fans this week while the one who always wears the hat, this week sporting the double bobble, appeared without any headgear when they went out in public. After two weeks of average performances the trio hit back against their rival boyband with an accomplished rendition of Madcon’s ‘Beggin’ though once again the mash-up transition into Chris Brown’s ‘Turn up the Music’ seemed unnecessary. The judges praised the hard work that the boys had obviously put in this week with Tulisa saying they’d made the biggest transformation while Gary agreed saying that he saw that they were enjoying themselves. Even Nicole didn’t seem too dejected that they hadn’t taken her advice to rub themselves in baby oil instead complementing them on their vocal blend describing them as solid. I’d have to agree as for me it was one of the best performances of the night and I have to say this week District 3 beat Union J in the battle of the boybands.

Last up was Ella who hadn’t had that bad a week even getting a tweet from Adele who herself had a busy week what with giving birth and all. A lot was made about Ella’s dancing though I personally didn’t see much of this in her performance of the original version of ‘You Got the Love’ on which the vocals were predictably top notch once again. The one thing that bugs me whenever Ella is on is that people constantly mention that she’s ‘Only 16′ something that Tulisa bought up when Gary told her that she shouldn’t feel like she had to dance around to make herself popular. Dermot even picked up on the fact that Ella’s age was being mentioned a little too much so began taking them mick out of Tulisa and Louis for constantly using this fact during their judgements.

For me this was the least entertaining of the three live shows we’ve had up to this point as there wasn’t one act who blew me away, like Jade did last week, while even Rylan wasn’t as captivating as he previously had been. Sure there were still some good turns from James, Ella, MK1 and District 3 however I’m not sure how memorable this week will be when we look back on this series as a whole. In terms of whose in trouble I would think Rylan’s days are numbered while Chris’ popularity has waned significantly and Jade’s vocal issues could also land her in the bottom two however we’ll have to wait till tomorrow to find out. I’m just glad now that the programme has finished and I get to leave the metaphorical club with its bad playlists and dodgy dance routines.

Who was your favourite this week? Who entertained you the most? Leave Your Comments Below.